Title: No One Must Ever Know

Author: Alan Hitchen

Email: darkmere2000@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon and others

Pairing: Willow/Tara

Summary: Willow is at the beach and has just thrown a bottle into the sea. Why did she do that? What message does the bottle contain?

I love Tara. I really do, body and soul. She's everything I've ever wanted, but she's not my first relationship, not even my first girlfriend. No one knows that. No one must ever know that. But I have to tell someone, so I am confiding in you, dear reader. If you should find this, and I pray to the Goddess that you never do, you will learn how I, Willow Rosenberg, found love, lost it in the most tragic circumstances imaginable, and yet was never able to tell a soul that anything had ever happened at all.

My first love was Xander Harris; we were childhood friends. I don't know quite when I first realised I was in love with him, it just crept up on me. He never saw me as an object of romantic affection of course. He was too busy chasing every other girl in sight.

Then Buffy Summers came into our lives and he fell head over heels for her, so did I, in a different sort of way. I'd never known anyone like her before. I guess I never will. She was my friend right from the start, and the sister I never had. She was the Slayer, and a whole new world opened up for me as I joined her fight against the forces of evil.

Rupert Giles, the school librarian, was her Watcher, but soon another teacher became involved. Her name was Jenny Calendar; she taught computer science, and was a techno-pagan. I liked her from the beginning. She was young, intelligent, beautiful and hip. In fact she was pretty much everything I wanted to be. All the boys were in love with her, and I suspect half the girls were too. I never thought I would be one of those girls, but it turned out I was.

I was helping her with a project to digitise text books when I accidentally freed the demon Moloch from his imprisonment in one of the books. He became my first on-line boyfriend, Malcolm. What a fool I was, but what can I say? He seemed like a nice boy, before he became a homicidal robot that is.

After that debacle, you might be surprised to hear that Jenny and I worked together more often in order to help Buffy and Giles. I soon realised that Giles was falling for her. When she reciprocated his attentions I was so jealous. Why couldn't she see I loved her too?

I was shocked at first, that I could have such strong feelings for another woman, but I was helpless in the grip of passion. Benjamin Franklin once said, "A man in passion rides a mad horse." Well, I can tell you the same holds true for women. I tried to rationalise it as a silly teenage crush, but there is no such thing, the feelings are as real as any other. And so I burned for Jenny, day and night, and told no one.

I knew of course, even if she did feel the same way about me, nothing could come of it. She held a position of trust; she couldn't engage in an affair with a pupil; she would be dismissed; it was completely wrong. Anyway, what could I offer her besides my heart, and what of Giles? I must admit that I wasn't thinking of him at all when we first kissed.

It was late, we were alone. She leaned over my shoulder to read the screen. Her tantalising perfume was simply intoxicating. I turned my head. She was so close and so beautiful. She was talking, though I can't recall what she was saying. Then I leaned forward and lightly kissed her on the lips. I simply couldn't stop myself. I could say that the devil made me do it, but it was all my doing, all me, all along.

I pulled back, looking for some sign in her dark eyes. For a moment she did nothing, and I could read nothing from her expression. Then she kissed me back and I... melted. I can't think of another word to describe it. I didn't know where I stopped and she began. We were as one. We made love there and then in the classroom. I didn't know such pleasure was even possible. I hadn't a clue what to do of course. Jenny did. Thank the Goddess!

I don't know how I got home that night, or how I managed to get any sleep, but I did. The next morning no one would have guessed that anything was any different. I astonished myself with my ability to continue with business as usual.

Thereafter, when we were alone together, it was as if the rest of the world had disappeared. Nothing mattered to me but her lips, her tongue, her fingers, her whispered endearments and heartfelt declarations of love for me. I believed every word, but then came the betrayal.

Buffy slept with Angel and he lost his soul. It came out that Jenny was really Janna of the Kalderash people, the Romany Gypsies who had cursed Angel eighty years before. She was sent by them in order to keep an eye on Angel, to make sure he still suffered. That is why she got close to us, but by remaining silent about her true purpose she failed to warn Buffy of the condition that attached to the curse. That should Angel experience a single moment of true happiness, then his soul would be lost and he would be a true vampire once more.

Giles was cut to the quick; Buffy even more hurt. But I could only stand by and say nothing, even though she had betrayed me no less than the others. For what did her words of love mean now?

Then, as if things weren't bad enough, I caught Xander kissing Cordelia. He would sooner have an affair with someone he professed to hate rather than even look at me. I loved him once, but how I hated him at that moment!

Jenny tried to reconcile herself to us all. In retrospect I wish I had accepted her apologies and made up with her, but I was so badly hurt that I cut her off and threw myself at the next man who came along.

Oz was such a nice person. I couldn't believe my luck, here was a genuinely good guy, who actually liked me for me. He turned out to be a werewolf, but in the circumstances it seemed a minor drawback. At last I was a normal girl with a normal(ish) boyfriend, who was also in a band!

When Angelus killed Jenny to prevent her from returning his soul I can't begin to to describe the pain I felt. Again I could only stand by silently as Giles mourned his dead love. What could I say to him? It only then dawned on me how much I had shared in Jenny's betrayal of him and Buffy, that her lies were my lies, and that I was as equally guilty of hurting those I claimed to be my friends.

I wanted to confess, but what good would that have done? Whom would that have helped? Nothing and no one, was the answer. So I held my tongue, carried on, and suffered in silence. Not that anyone noticed, but suffer I did, and for a long time afterwards.

It's true what they say, that time heals all wounds. Not that I'm over it. Even now it still hurts when I think of her. So I'm hoping that this confession will help bring closure to this painful business, For Tara's sake if not my own.

So now you know what I did and why I can never tell my friends. No one must ever know, but as you do know I'll leave it up to you. To tell or not to tell, it is now your decision. I can only pray you choose wisely.

Blessed be.