A Faint Glimmer of Hope

Title: A Faint Glimmer of Hope

Author: LLE

Disclaimer: Not mine, never were. If I ever win the lottery, maybe they will be. Wishful thinking, I know. LOL

Archive: http://www.geocities.com/charmeddk83/FemmeHaven.html

Sometimes I wonder when it all changed. When did my feelings for her change? When did hate turn to love? Was it during that first dinner we had with our parents? When she slapped me and I realized just how much my thoughtless words had hurt her? Was it during the talk we had the following day in the Novak? Or was it when she publicly ridiculed herself to help Carmen save face?

Each of those could have been it, but I know now that neither of them is. My hate never turned into love. It couldn’t have, because I never hated her. I love her with everything I am and then some, I always have. I just made myself believe that I hated her; it was so much easier than admitting how I truly felt, truly feel for her.

In the time we’ve been living in the same house, the number of catfights has decreased quite a bit, and I’m grateful for that. I hate it when we fight. I hate hearing the venom in her voice when it’s directed at me. I hate looking into her eyes and find pain. When she hurts, I hurt too, and it’s even worse when I know that I’m the one who made her feel that way.

I wish that she could feel the same way about me. Unfortunately, she’s straight as an arrow. My only hope is that one day; while that arrow is flying it will bump into something. Maybe then it’ll bend just a little bit, and I’ll have my chance.

I haven’t really talked to anyone about this. Only Lily knows about my feelings for her. I don’t know what I would have done without my little Latina friend. If I hadn’t had our little “therapy” sessions to get my emotions out, I’d have gone off my rocker a long time ago, that’s for sure. Lily keeps telling me to hold on just a little longer, saying that it will happen eventually. She seems so sure of her own words.

I wish I could be just as certain.

2 Am? Is it that late already? I guess I lose track of time when I’m thinking about things like this. I can’t help it though. No matter how hard I try, my mind seems to have a life all on its own. Just when I think I’ve found a distraction, it turns back to what apparently is the only constant; her.

I have to be quiet, she’s been asleep for hours already and I don’t want to wake her up. How would I explain sitting in her bedroom in the middle of the night? She’d probably go completely ballistic if she ever found out that I’m in here almost every night, just watching her sleep. I guess it is kind of weird, but it’s the only chance I have to see her this unguarded.

She looks like an angel as she lies there with that gentle smile on her lips. She’s holding one of her pillows close to her, as if it was the most precious treasure in the world. I wish that she would hold me in such a protective, loving embrace.

I’ll have to move on eventually, but I don’t want to. Not right now. I want to believe Lily when she tells me that everything will be allright in the end. I want to believe that she will one day realise that she loves me as much as I love her. I have to believe that, it’s the only thing that’s keeping me up these days.

I hear her sigh. It’s a contented sigh, nothing but pure happiness in it. I watch as she snuggles closer to the pillow in her arms, holding it ever so close to her heart. A faint murmur escapes her lips, those two words are so soft that I can barely make them out, but I hear them as clear as if they were spoken directly beside my ear.

“My Sammy…”

And suddenly, the day looks just a little brighter.

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