Title: The Book of Cordelia

Author: Chosentwo4381

Email: chosentwo4381@yahoo.com

Archiving: Ask and it shall be given. Seriously though, list archives, ff.n, and anywhere else that has any of my stuff

Rating: PG

Pairing: C/F and C/Wi unrequited

Disclaimer: These wonderful characters do not belong to me. Joss, Marti, and a bunch of other people own them. I’m just borrowing them for some non- profit fun. I don’t own the song Cordy sings either. That belongs to Josie and the Pussycats.

Author’s Note: Thanks to a migraine that kept me from going to work, I managed to get this written. Special thanks to Mel M/ Misty whose Popular fic Many Talents taught me the wonders of this song. This fic is a companion piece to my B/F fic Winter. You don’t need to have read it to understand this one. I just mentioned Cordy saying something to Faith and decided to write the scene in which it was said. In addition, thanks goes to whomever it was that fb’ed Winter and asked who Cordy’s other love was and suggested Willow.

“Never trust someone who bruises your face” – The Book of Cordelia chapter five verse five. I’m thinking of throwing out the book. It hasn’t retained its relevance very well. I mean chapter three verse eight is “Never date a dork,” and if it weren’t for the insanity that is Xander Harris, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Granted that would be a good thing as far as certain aspects of my life are concerned, like the excruciating and debilitating pain that is associated with my visions. Not being in love with my best friend would be good too. But I don’t really mean that. It’s just that hurts like nothing else in this world to hear the dejection in Fai’s voice because Buffy is a bitch, when I want nothing more than to have her here with me. Of course I mean Fai. Me? In love with Angel? Puh-lease. Don’t get me wrong, I love Brood boy like a brother, but unlike Buffy, the idea of bedding someone whose body is perpetually at room temperature doesn’t seem like that great an idea. Sorry if that sounds a bit bitter, but I really don’t like her and her treatment of Faith is only a part of it. I guess I’m jealous of her. Fai’s the only person that I’ve admitted that to. I remember that night all too clearly. We were at Caritas, Faith and I, and we’d had a pretty good amount to drink, her more than me even though she’s smaller, cause Slayer metabolism is a bitch if you’re trying to get drunk.

Anyway, I think I’ll blame what happened next on the alcohol, because even though Fai knew I was in love with her, I’d never done anything like this before. I picked out a song, got on stage, stepped up to the mic, and poured all the love and longing I felt for her into my voice.

“This is the place where I sit.
This is the part where I love you too much.
Is this as hard as it gets?
Cause I’m getting tired of pretending I’m tough.
I’m here if you want me
I’m yours, you can hold me
I’m empty and aching and tumbling and breaking”

I look out over the crowd and she’s staring at me, I lock my gaze with hers and continue.

“Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could.
I dream a world where you’d understand
That I dream a million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you touch my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights
I’m speechless and faded
It’s too complicated
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends?”

We’re both crying and if I’d had any good sense I’d have walked away then, but I didn’t so I sang the chorus again and then the last verse came.

“This is the place in my heart.
This is the place where I’m falling apart.
Isn’t this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I’ll ever get?
I wish I was lonely instead of just only
Crystal and see through and not enough to you.”

My voice dropped to a whisper, choked up with emotion, but for some masochistic reason I was determined to continue.

“Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would.”

One last deep breath and I tried to convey in my gaze exactly how sorry I was for doing this. I’m not sure what possessed me.

“Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would.
The way I know you could.”

As I left the stage I was surprised to see demons that I didn’t even know had tear ducts crying, and I knew it wasn’t because of my voice like it was when Angel usually sang. One thing Daddy Chase paid for instead of his taxes was voice lessons for his little girl. Lorne gave me a hug, saying “You know she’s not yours to have princess and you’ve gotta make sure that she knows it too.”

I nodded numbly before walking to my table and the beautiful woman who I hoped was still my best friend. She gathered me into her arms and hugged me. We stood there, both crying, for a second before silently agreeing to go back to my place. That silence continued on the walk home, and continued into the apartment. We settled ourselves on the couch, and before I could steel myself to apologize, Faith spoke.

“Cor, I really care about you. You’re my best friend.” Here comes the rejection I thought.

“And I think you’re wicked sexy. I don’t think I’m in love with you, but I think I want to give this, us, a try.”

Wait a second. Where’s the rejection? I was elated, then I remembered what Lorne had said. That brought me back down to earth real quick.

“Fai, that means the world to me, it really does. It makes me fall in love with you even more, which I didn’t think was possible. But I know better than to let you do this.” I sighed and then continued. “I love you to much to have you just in body, and maybe I’d even have you in mind, but what really counts, your heart and soul, will always belong to Buffy Summers.” I laughed bitterly. “It figures that that I make cheerleading instead of her but the only two people I’ve ever loved in this world are both in love with her. Makes me wonder what kind of evil I did in past lives.”

“Hey C, I know this probably isn’t the best time to ask this, but was it Xander?”

“Eww! As if! I know there’s no way in hell you’ll never guess this, so I might as well tell you, but I don’t want to hear any jokes.”

“Okay, no jokes. You have my word.”


“Haha funny, funny,” she replied and then one look at my face shut her up. “Oh my god, you’re serious. Willow. As in, overly familiar with the softer side of Sears Willow?”  “Yeah.”

“Well C, you were damn good at hiding it. I mean, treating her like shit and dating her best friend/ guy she’d been in love with for years.”

“Yeah like threatening all a girl’s friends and then trying to help a snake demon says it better than a Hallmark card and some flowers.” I saw her wince at my words and I cursed myself for saying them. “I’m sorry Fai, I didn’t mean that.”

“I know you didn’t Cor. Hell, I should get used to it cause eventually I will have to go back to SunnyD, unless I die first.”

“What have I told you about that?”

“I know, I know. You’ll kick my ass if I die.” We’re quiet for a bit and then Faith asks, “So you really think Red is in love with B? I know little Miss Rosenberg is traveling down the Sapphic side of the street these days, and with a blonde no less, but I dunno.”

“She is. That’s part of the reason that I came to LA, I wasn’t hurt over that thing with Xander, except maybe that he’d been kissing Willow and I’d really wanted to.”

“Well that explains why Red hated me. She was jealous of the whole ‘Slayer thing’ that me and B had going. But that’s only if you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. I’m always right.” And she laughed and everything is okay again. All the tension that had pervaded my apartment since our slightly drunken entrance was dispelled with that throaty laugh from the woman that I love. We bullshitted around for a while before she decided to go back to the Hyperion. She kissed me gently on my lips before she left. A sweet kiss with a touch of wistfulness, and just a hint of despair. That night I dreamt another sleepless night.

The Book of Cordelia, New Revised Standard Edition. This religion only has two rules. Never buy off the rack. And the most important: Never fall in love with anyone who even knows Buffy Summers.



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